Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.