No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
You Might Also Like
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
SF is the wild wild west man
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
scrabbled eggs
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Terribly Tuesday.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.