Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
You Might Also Like
Cause of death: Zumba
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
new year update: losing everything but weight
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”