If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!