#ProTip
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THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Rambo Rambow
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.