The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
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How did we not see this back then?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Just a phase…
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.