In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Wikigenius
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
What about second breakfast?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye