Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!