Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’m not wrong
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…