I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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What the hell happened here.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.