My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
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Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.