If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Every work meeting this week
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
this FaceApp is creepy af
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I cannot call her anything else now