My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
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According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.