cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
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*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?