Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
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Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”