Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
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I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
“i am a sweet baby”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.