Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
i was baptized in a car wash