The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
A small tragedy.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad