Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
You Might Also Like
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm