Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Webb. James Webb.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *