just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
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I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday