if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
look at me when i’m typing to you