I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.