Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.