nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
the three branches of government
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.