Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf