There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*