I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?馃槀
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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don鈥檛 wear any.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it鈥檚 probably mine.
Me: probably?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
#PleaseGoToChurch 馃槀馃槶
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn鈥檛 have been any younger
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he鈥檚 right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Growing up was a huge mistake
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.