Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,