me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
english majors be like furthermore
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
A friend sent me this.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you