2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…