people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
An odd boast
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
wtf is an acronym
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
set yourself free xox
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me