My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
im 7 sauces long
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!