If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
This is why I hate group projects
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
The perfect label doesn’t exi-