No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please