When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
is this a warning or an offer?
Put a ring on it
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.