BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.