People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
You Might Also Like
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Friends that check up on you >
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”