me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
the council will decide your fate
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
jesus, what did this guy do
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits