Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
reminder
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.