What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.