How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*