My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
You Might Also Like
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Tell the colonel to bring it
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min