My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?