An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
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My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Well, that should do it
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.