I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old