*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.