[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
You Might Also Like
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits