If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
You Might Also Like
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.