boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
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– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
this is literally a CIA plant
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.